Growing up in a close family, everyone seemed to have something to tell. My siblings were so good at telling stories. They had so many things to share especially during family gatherings. I, on the other hand, was silent. I usually stay in one corner and listen to their endless conversations.
It wasn’t because I didn’t have anything to say. I have stories too like everyone else but I never learned how to tell them. Back then, I was very cautious of my words because I was afraid of what people might say or what their comments might be. I used to be the person who just responds with “I’m okay ” and I think I greatly disappointed my parents for being such an introvert. I was never a speaker. I contained everything to myself.
That’s probably the reason why I’ve always had this admiration for people who can speak freely and passionately about life. I keep on wondering if I’ll ever get to be like them. I do talk to friends but I never really seem to get the emotions across. You know what I mean? You can tell stories of your travels, how you failed your exam, why you want to break up with your boyfriend , why you’re pissed off with your parents, why you hate this girl in your class, etc. but can you really really really express what you feel inside? Are you able to dig deep within you and say what your soul wants to say?
I can’t. Not by word of mouth. Everytime I tell my stories, I just feel like I’m being a blabber mouth where my thoughts are very superficial and always lacking thought. It was only in writing I was able to truly express myself. I’m not saying I’m a good writer. Hell, no. I’m far from being good. Unlike most bloggers, they do this because they are good story tellers (again, by word of mouth). I blog because I’m not. I can never expound on a specific topic when I’m conversing with someone but I can write a thousand words about it. I guess I like having the time to reflect, choose appropriate words and construct sentences that can pierce through emotions. You know those magic lines/quotes that you read on tumblr or facebook and you click on the heart button because it was the most perfect description of your feelings towards something or someone? I want to eventually get my feelings and emotions across like that.
I’d like to think I am one of those girls who reflect deeply about life and born with a soul constantly penetrated and disturbed by the unknowns of the world. I need a platform to express the bombardment of thoughts running through my head. I mean, we have thousands of things going on inside our heads and how many do we really get to solve or say or share? Most of us just tend to keep these thoughts to ourselves because they’re too overwhelming when opened up. For example, just the mere activity of walking down a familiar street triggers a lot of thoughts – why is she wearing that type of clothing? why did they make that building so tall? why is she begging for money? How much money does this man wearing a suit get in a month? how is he able to buy that designer bag? what makes her happy? why is this advertisement so promiscuous? why are they smiling? why is she crying? Where is her mother? how does this machine work, he must be very tired form standing under the sun trying to sell cigarettes, Am I the only one being troubled by the amount of trash on the floor? why is she drinking? why is he smoking? and there are countless more thoughts that constantly run in our minds. How many of these do we get to say or discuss with a friend? One? Two? maybe four (if we’re lucky to have someone who listens to our nonsense)? On normal days, I don’t usually get to converse deeply with people but my heart craves so much for both the small and big talks that trigger a lot of the life mysteries we are yet to solve. This is why I’m mostly found in coffee shops reading books because I find the answers to most life questions through reading. It makes me see the world in a different perspective and understand how people act and change when faced with certain circumstances. It’s good to learn from other people an apply it to our own. We aren’t born just to understand ourselves, anyway.
However, I don’t want to be the girl that reads forever. This time, I want to write and let people know what I think, what I love, what I hate, what I look forward to, introduce to the world the amazing people surrounding me and what keeps me going despite the difficulties in life. I probably won’t have a lot of readers or…maybe, I will. I really don’t know and I really don’t care at the moment. I just want to write and constantly reflect on the wonders of life and appreciate the gift of my hard work. I also want something to read when I’m old and rusty. I want my future children to read how my life was, what my adventurers were, how I got there, what pushed me to reach dreams, what I had to sacrifice and what bridges I had to cross.
I want others to see what I see, what I feel when I land at airports, what historical monuments make me feel when I stand in front of them, what I notice with people from other culture, what amazes me with transportation, how other languages sound like when I hear them, how I find beauty in people’s differences, how silly encounters with strangers can ignite a self transformation, and what it feels like to live in a foreign country hundreds of miles away from home. I want to write in a way that people can easily understand. I want the writing to be simple. This is not Shakespeare or Harper Lee writing. This is mine. I want to write because I always feel the need to share about my inspirations and dreams and, hopefully, find people who are the same. You can grammar nazi me and that’s alright ( I would honestly appreciate that because I can never edit my own work completely) but this not a research paper. This my life and my thoughts are raw and fresh. This blog will probably contain a lot of word vomit that wouldn’t make sense to many but… I think that’s okay. After all, I only have my own stories to tell.